


The Right Thing To Say (I want you to stay)

by teukie



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, haemin, relationship trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teukie/pseuds/teukie
Summary: He wouldn’t know the person he would become tomorrow |  @ .teukie
Relationships: Lee Donghae/Lee Sungmin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	1. If I...

Sungmin and Donghae were equally gifted with their talents. But for at least a year in highschool, it was frustrating for Donghae to see Sungmin get slightly higher marks on his work. Their one-sided ‘rivalry’ started with Donghae’s childish jealousy, when he pouted to his deskmate Sungmin that he’d seen his report cards and was confused about the higher mark to his, like any childish nerd would. Sungmin felt like his privacy was being invaded and impulsively told him, ‘maybe I’m just more talented’. And after that, Sungmin started sitting in an empty desk near the front of the classroom. Donghae took it very personally.  
  
The rest of their high school careers, Donghae tried to work harder in all his subjects, and the reason for his failure to surpass him could easily be blamed now on his jealous obsession with Sungmin. After graduating, Donghae realised he’s definitely the type of person Sungmin and his friends would never want to see or hear about for the rest of their lives. Maybe if he wasn’t so sensitive, he wouldn’t wish he could make it up to Sungmin someday.  
  
Fast forward to sometime within the first month of college. Sungmin had completely pushed away the memory of Donghae’s existence by now; He was moving on with his life. He believed he was prepared for college life completely, but what he wasn’t prepared for was old memories coming back. Two weeks into college and his eyes meet with a familiar looking guy in the library. The other guy quickly broke the contact before he realised it was his old deskmate, Lee Donghae. He’d become a very handsome man, you could tell it took him extra time to fully grow into his face. Sungmin looked back up to see him again, luckily now, Donghae was focused on something else. Sungmin confirmed to himself that that is in fact, The Lee Donghae. The Lee Donghae who had lent him pencils and encouraged him to finish his homework, but Sungmin got upset with him one day and had moved a few seats away. He couldn’t remember why he’d done it in the first place; it was a long time ago.   
  
Donghae felt eyes on him and turned back. Sungmin was just staring off into space, but it looked like he was looking directly at him. Timidly, Donghae waved and Sungmin shook his head out of it. Donghae didn’t know what to do now, so he approached Sungmin casually. It probably didn’t look very casual, as Sungmin did look a bit confused, but to Sungmin, it felt right. They’d already caught each other staring, it would be more awkward to just keep allowing it. Sungmin still looked very manly and intimidating, but not the kind of intimidating where he’s scary. His physical appearance was nothing compared to his personality, there were many layers to him, and his thickest one was his thinnest — Sungmin had the purest heart Donghae had ever known to-date. He was lucky Sungmin wasn’t as tough as he looked.

Donghae stuttered as he reintroduced himself, he asked ‘and you’re Sungmin, right? We had a lot of the same classes in highschool?’ to which Sungmin shook his head, not saying anything for a minute. Donghae took a seat next to him and had opened a book he’d taken off the shelf, thinking it would end everything he was feeling, and Sungmin would go away. But then Sungmin remembered why he didn’t like Donghae next to him. Sungmin asked, “Why did we ever stop talking?”   
  
Donghae felt his nervousness in his throat, “I don’t think we were ever friends, but we can be now,”   
  
“Why did I change seats from you...?” Hearing Donghae’s voice retrieved the memories for him. He decided he wasn’t going to ‘play nice’ when Donghae clearly wanted to leave it in the past. Donghae, for at least a year, had made Sungmin feel unsafe. A kind of unsafe that you were afraid to show it, but not enough unsafe for it to be a huge problem. He’d thought Donghae was just immature or had behavioral issues that made him act out for attention. He just didn’t like being the target of Donghae’s methods.  
  
Donghae was visibly anxious but tried to keep his eyes on the book. You could hear the nervousness leak into his voice when he told him “I was petty and jealous of you because you got higher marks than me... That’s all! So childish…”  
  
Sungmin knew the answer already, he just made him say it because he figured it would give his ego a boost, which it did. Sungmin smiled and agreed with what Donghae had said less than a minute ago. “We can be friends now.” The other student looked back to Sungmin from his book and offered his own hand with a smile. They shook hands, exchanged numbers and dorm addresses. Sungmin didn’t know what he was doing. A voice told him this was cruel and would be more unforgivable than acting out for attention, but he tried his best to keep it quiet.

“Donghae, it would be nice to start over with you.” Sungmin smiled. “But I won’t forget — and I can’t believe — you tossed dead batteries into my lunch tray over some jealousy.”

Donghae nodded, thinking maybe he was wrong about Sungmin earlier. But he guessed if he didn’t fuck up, Sungmin would might acting like the stranger he was minutes ago.  
  
Sungmin was about to bid farewell, right the second Donghae pointed out how strange it was to him that they were only getting to know each other in college. He said their teacher had put them together back then because ‘great minds think alike’ — or something like that. He explained that he used to struggle with language but was more motivated by seeing Sungmin’s pride every time he got his progress reports, and gradually started putting in more effort so school would be fun for him as well. Then he said all this other stuff about how when he was catching up to Sungmin in his mark, he was jealous. Sungmin wasn’t really paying attention to Donghae’s story, but whatever it was, it flattered him to know he was an exceptional role model then for his teachers to place him with underachievers in hopes to motivate them. Sungmin did remember not letting Donghae’s encouragement go inequitable; he did remember having his fair share of rooting for Donghae when he would suddenly put his pencil down, but he still had his suspicions that Donghae might’ve been copying his work and answers from time-to-time.  
  
But none of it really mattered, it was the past and now Donghae seemed weaker and willing to make it up to him. Sungmin didn’t have many friends anymore, or, much fun anymore, for that matter, so why not just let Donghae kiss his ass like this? Anything to feel something.   
  
Sungmin thanked Donghae for sharing, to which Donghae just smiled back awkwardly. Sungmin finally said his goodbye, thanking Donghae again and saying he’d see him ‘next time’. Donghae told him he was welcome, but he was already gone. 

  
Now the weekend, Donghae texted Sungmin. Donghae said he didn’t have many friends in college either, and figured he and Sungmin could get to know each other as actual friends. Sungmin’s first reply was asking about Donghae’s roommate and why he couldn’t try and get to know him better. Donghae’s excuse was that his roommate seemed to lack interest in him and was out already. Then from Sungmin it was that he was studying, and Donghae replied only calling him a liar. Although he wasn’t lying, he was really bored, and with that, Sungmin told Donghae to meet him in the parking lot for a drive or, ‘something’.  
  
Donghae and Sungmin ended up going into town. Sungmin didn’t care for it as much as Donghae did. Donghae wanted to show Sungmin a café his friends’ parents owned, and said if he ever needed work, he could work there, but Sungmin wasn’t going that far — not that it was even far. They shopped a bit, Sungmin bought a few things and a frozen raspberry-lemonade drink for Donghae. It wasn’t that Sungmin cared about him, but after going out and not speaking much, he realised he liked being in his presence. That was all. Donghae did not understand Sungmin’s intentions or any morals he might have. Was this really a friendship that was going to last? What was this? Was this who he’d become?

“Sungmin?”

“Yes?”

“...Nothing, sorry.”

When they came back after an awkward while out, Donghae, in all his confusion over Sungmin’s silence, went back to his dorm room to write his experience. The poems he’d written were only just things on his mind. They were quite vague, but they were for his eyes only. Besides, Donghae liked to write down his life experiences creatively. He liked to write in general. That’s what he was here for.  
  
As for Sungmin, when he got back to his own dorm, he simply smiled to himself and went on with his day. Whatever he was getting off Donghae didn’t matter at all. Or at least, that’s what he thought. Sungmin was quiet the rest of the day, studying, listening to ballad songs in his headphones and occasionally thinking about how confused Donghae must feel; or alternatively, just listening to ballads and thinking about Donghae. Thinking about Donghae, music, Donghae, music, Donghae and music, etc,... He wondered if Donghae appreciated music as much as he did. Some time into wandering around these thoughts, the ‘cool-guy’ persona Sungmin was trying to mask, dropped down into genuine curiosity of his potential new friend. His mind felt blank as he did it, but he texted Donghae asking for any song recommendations. He did not realise what he had just done until Donghae replied, asking for any specific mood.

The next time Donghae and Sungmin met, ended up being the very next day to the first one. Over text, they’d gotten to know each other a lot more than the time they were together, but were still considered quite awkward in public. This time, they were just chilling out outside the residence. Stupidly trying to talk about other things, until Donghae, being the complete genius that he is, started talking about music. Sungmin lit up when he heard Donghae mention his favourite artists, it wasn’t everyday you met someone with almost exactly similar tastes. From there, the conversation got more interesting, the two were more playful with each other, and magically, awkward moments weren’t as easy to find. From that conversation, was the start of a long-lasting friendship. All because of music.


	2. Make one wrong move...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghae wants to help, sungmin wants more.

As time continued into the non-existent future, Donghae and Sungmin were still just getting closer. Sungmin hadn’t told Donghae about his secret aspiration of being a singer. All Sungmin was getting his degree for was any old promising job, while Donghae seemed to just be killing time studying his favourite thing. It was funny to Sungmin that Donghae had found his love for literature through watching Sungmin succeed, but Sungmin avoided the idea of humbling himself that he was once his friend’s idol. He actually cared about Donghae now… 

Donghae was always sharing his poems and stories with Sungmin, having Sungmin edit his work sometimes, too. It made Sungmin want to write for fun for once. Sungmin hadn’t really thought of anything academic he did to be something that could be done for fun and in spare time. Maybe he’d messily write rants down on paper when he’d felt frustrated and alone at times, but he never thought of it as a fun thing to do. 

When Sungmin couldn’t stay focused on his studies, he’d try to write poetry. It was something Donghae told him he’d do in stressful or confusing situations, so Sungmin wanted to try as well. First, Sungmin started small. Rhyming. He did realise poems didn’t always have to rhyme, but he’d forced it on himself to have all his poems run that way. It was frustrating, but when he didn’t rhyme, he couldn’t find himself the right flow, which only made him more upset.

After a few weeks of writing ‘for fun’ Sungmin still couldn’t get the hang of it. He had tried ‘everything’ by this point, even haikus were hurting his mind. Overwhelmed, he decided to tell Donghae about how he had been trying so hard to write poetry. They were sitting on the steps of the college facility, the fall leaves covered the ground, leaving the trees bare and their branches thin, stirring in the breeze before the colder winds of the night. It was only them, the leaves and the setting sun. When Sungmin sat down next to Donghae, Donghae unknowingly took in every detail of his appearance. From his half-tied shoes right up to the hairs sticking up from his head, he could tell Sungmin wasn’t going to react to the cold well. The shorts he wore today with the shirt that put his arms on display, Donghae instinctively put his hands onto Sungmin’s shoulders, as if to move him to a warmer setting, but Sungmin only brushed his hands back down. “Donghae,” he started, “you’ve inspired me to take up poetry, but I’m getting angry and upset and-” Donghae was not only surprised to hear this, but incredibly fascinated he had that much of an impact on someone like Sungmin. He decided to offer the help Sungmin was clearly asking for.

“It’s like your favourite song, the lyrics you hear are all poetry… Maybe, try to think of your favourite artist. An artist, he’ll…” Donghae found it very hard to find the right words to best help Sungmin, it was something that came to him naturally, but seeing Sungmin upset with himself over it made his brain scramble for the right advice. 

After giving some of the best advice he could, Sungmin sighed and told him, “I probably sound so stupid. Forget it.”

Donghae cocked his head to the side and hopefully looked into Sungmin’s eyes. “It’s not stupid.” Donghae said, readjusting himself. He carried on, “You want to try something new, don’t you? Just…” he paused. “For lack of a better way to put this, don’t take it too seriously.”

That was something Sungmin noticed Donghae had avoided saying to him in the advice prior. Sungmin wondered how such a caring and considerate person could exist. “Ah, you’re too kind.” Sungmin murmured. The cold air was racing to their skin now, Sungmin was shivering and Donghae felt terrible, like it was his responsibility to get him out of this feeling too.

Donghae apologised regardless of ‘forget it’, but before he could finish, Sungmin acted on impulse and kissed him. Donghae would’ve kissed back but Sungmin broke it and rushed to look away. The sky was cloudy, the sun was gone and the moon was nowhere to be seen. Not a living person was in sight, either. Sungmin just kept looking dead ahead while Donghae just looked down at his own shoes. It was silent. Nothing but breathing and the cool breeze engulfing their warm bodies. Not-so-suddenly, Sungmin stood up. Donghae just looked at him blankly. Sungmin turned and left. Donghae stayed behind for a while to let himself take in what just happened.

They didn’t talk for a while after the kiss. Donghae personally didn’t think too much of it, he just didn’t want Sungmin to feel bothered by him, so he didn’t dare make the first move. Sungmin buried himself in studies. His studies became like a wall, even though there was nobody to keep out. His roommate asked him ‘what’s up’ a few times, but Sungmin always had his headphones in or was too focused to notice. Ballads had been out-of-season since what had happened with Donghae, and he often played this new music loud into his ears. His roommate didn’t take too much care into trying to get his attention further, but it was care nonetheless.

One night, Sungmin had gotten out of bed and went over to his laptop, he just started furiously typing something into a document. His roommate happened to be awake during this, he tried to talk to Sungmin. They didn’t really know each other, but he’d abruptly told Sungmin about his worry, causing him to shut his laptop quickly. Sungmin didn’t respond, so he carried on by asking if anything was wrong at all or if he needed someone to talk to. Instead of speaking, Sungmin just continued to stare at him with his tired and empty eyes. His roommate told him again how he’d always be a few steps away if anything and turned off his lamp, then he turned his back to the wall like he’d finally rest. 

He appreciated him, he just didn’t want to talk about it right now, and hoped he would understand that. Sungmin reopened his laptop and looked at the half-finished poem. He continued typing it at a slower pace, finally finished it, and then read it over and over again in his head. With too much regard to his sleepy state, he convinced himself he would hate this poem when he was awake, but with a sense of pride hidden within him, he decided not to delete it. As Sungmin was about to close his laptop and head back for the sake of his own slumber, he got an idea. He searched Donghae's social media accounts until he finally found his email address. He felt like a stalker for doing so, but his intentions were innocent. Was that too weird? He hoped Donghae checked his email often enough for this message to be read by him quickly.

Sungmin was now in a rush to get back to sleep, so he sloppily put the subject as ‘Sungmin-Poem’, hit send, closed his laptop and hurried back to sleep. His heart was beating fast with the thought that Donghae might react to it. Really feeling threatened by his anticipation, he decided to grab his earbuds and listen to his favourite ballads from his phone while he tried to drift back into sleep.

The next day, sometime in the afternoon, Donghae miraculously checked his email. He was just trying to figure out how he could upload a new profile photo, but found ‘Sungmin-Poem’ much more interesting. How he’d found his email might be a red flag, but in the moment, it didn’t bother him. The poem wasn’t the most impressive, but it meant a lot to Donghae. Not only did it tell him he was a positive influence on others, but also probably meant they could both just forget about the kiss. However, Donghae didn’t want to assume his feelings. Donghae opened up his messages and tried to think of what to say to Sungmin now. He typed different sentences into the keyboard over and over before finally settling on something to hit send on. All Donghae sent was praise to Sungmin’s work, but Sungmin left the message on ‘Read’. After less than ten seconds of thought, Donghae decided to just smile, hoping it made Sungmin happy.

Soon enough, they were talking and hanging out again. Sungmin kept sharing his poems with Donghae and asking for his criticism. Donghae sincerely loved all of it, even if sometimes it was cringeworthy, it was still endearing to him. Donghae had this odd feeling that Sungmin was his boyfriend. It was weird to him, but he wanted to reward Sungmin in kisses and all his love. Isn’t that odd? The kiss was a moment not to be mentioned, so why was he always thinking about it when he was with Sungmin again? But it was in the book of unwritten rules between them, and he was sure that if he’d broken it, their friendship wouldn’t end well.


	3. What would you think of me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghae is sorry.

One particular day, a woman in Donghae’s class had asked him out, and Donghae only told her that he would think about it. When Donghae told Sungmin about it later in the day, Sungmin immediately changed the topic instead of letting Donghae finish explaining. He was already spaced out when Donghae saw him, so he understood, but it still kind of hurt his feelings. Donghae shut up quickly, interested to hear what the disturbed-looking Sungmin had to say to him. What was on his mind?

Sungmin shortly blurted that he regretted not auditioning for an entertainment company. Donghae was surprised by this, but let Sungmin go on.

“I thought about it a lot in the week we didn’t talk. I thought about it a lot after you started showing me your poems. I think about it a lot when I listen to my favourite songs.” Sungmin explained. Donghae didn’t know where this was going. Why would he tell him now? Had something bothered him this morning? “Some of your poems can sound like lyrics in my mind, a-and I can sing them.” Sungmin stuttered. “I was upset and frustrated with myself because with your poems, I can always find a melody— a way to sing them. But mine just don’t live up to yours.” Looking in Donghae’s eyes and looking at the floor constantly while speaking, Donghae could tell his dear friend was really struggling to say this. It was as if someone had told him bad things about his passions up until this breaking point. Donghae went in closer to him, not meaning to hug him, but Sungmin hugged first and he simply hugged back. It made him feel warm, especially in his face, but he knew it was probably wrong to feel that way right now, thus making him feel worse about the situation.

Still hugging, Donghae told him, “Not every poem gets turned into a song.” He attempted. Then one more time, since that didn’t sound so right to him, “I mean it when I say I like your poems.” Sungmin hugged Donghae tighter, making Donghae feel chills run through his body. “I’m not a professional, you know? I’m- I’m learning, too, that’s why I’m here. That’s why  _ we’re  _ here, we’re learning still” Sungmin never cried in front of him, so Donghae felt it was safe to assume that was the situation and comforted him again with, “It’s okay to cry in front of me.” and “It’s okay to cry if you feel upset.” Donghae felt very stupid with every word he said, like his intelligence left him with each breath he took in this moment, but it was okay. He just hoped Sungmin would understand what he was trying to say. He also sort of wished they’d have the dorm to themselves a while longer.

As Sungmin wept into his shoulder, Donghae stayed silent, thinking of things to say and not saying them. He let Sungmin have his minute to be alone, even if his head was on Donghae’s shoulder and Donghae’s hand was on Sungmin’s head, running his fingers through his hair. Being so close to Sungmin, hearing his cries and feeling his breathing and hearing his breathing hitch while he held onto him… something about that made him feel so…

Sungmin stopped crying and lifted his head. Sungmins eyes scanned Donghae’s face before simply thanking him. Donghae felt Sungmin was one of those people he would never be able to understand. Maybe that’s what made him feel so attracted to him.

After being non-verbally dismissed from Sungmin’s dorm room, Donghae decided to go outside and call his best friend slash younger brother, Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun had wanted to be a singer, but sticks to doing covers on YouTube. Which Donghae always pitied him and scolded him for whenever the topic came up, because he knew Kyuhyun was truly gifted as a singer. He thought maybe Kyuhyun could help him best right now. 

Kyuhyun had professional vocal training and many admirers from ‘high positions’, that was, if those professionals weren’t lying to him. Kyuhyun was lucky enough to end up in a wealthier family than Donghae’s, they’d pay for his interests and who he wanted to be, it was only he wasn’t fortunate enough to actually live the way he wanted. He had no limits but limits all the same. He could do what he wanted, but God forbid living the way he wanted. Donghae knew that if his and Kyus families weren’t friends, he’d never believe it himself. Kyuhyun was one-of-a-kind, with a one-of-a-kind situation, but Donghae prayed that when he’d reach adulthood, his family would let him alone more, and he’d be free to spread his wings and soar.

After some catching up, Donghae told him briefly about the events of the day. First he started with his potential date, which Kyuhyun hooted at him for, then he told him about how he might have a crush on his friend but didn’t elaborate because he didn’t want to make himself seem insensitive to anything Sungmin was going through; he had no idea how to describe that, or if any of it was actually his business. Like, Sungmin could’ve befriended anyone as passionate as Donghae, right?

Kyuhyun simply laughed at Donghae. “If you’ve liked your future girlfriend for a week already and another girl asks you out, just say no? Loser—”

“No!” Donghae exclaimed. “He’s-” Donghae stuttered. “Sungmin is a guy…” Kyuhyun didn’t reply. “So, it’s not weird or anything. I just— we just—”

“Uh-huh?” Kyuhyun waited.

“We had a very personal moment today. And ever since he kissed me a few weeks ago,” Donghae double checked that nobody was around him. “I think I’ve liked him, Kyu. As more than a friend. And if he feels the same way, and I go on this date to keep pretending the kiss never happened, he might feel betrayed after… After all that.” He clarified.

Kyuhyun asked if Sungmin knew about the date. Donghae explained how he was certain of it. Then Kyuhyun only said “You shouldn’t be asking someone younger than you for this kind of advice,” Which Donghae playfully scolded him for, telling him he just needed to tell someone and ‘whatever’. Kyuhyun was being cheeky as he always was, trying to lighten the mood. Kyuhyun asked about this girl and if Donghae actually liked her. Donghae explained all these moments he’d had with her, all these moments that didn’t matter to Kyuhyun, but mattered more in the end when Donghae said,

“What if Sungmin doesn’t like me back and I blow it with her by telling her I’m not interested?”

Donghae gulped before Kyuhyun only told him to, ‘well, follow your heart’ along with ‘you’re an adult, you tell me later’. Donghae understood where Kyuhyun was coming from. Although Kyuhyun had probably understood relationships more than Donghae after being in so many, he was still a younger person, and ‘follow your heart’ might be 90% of his own personal guidelines right now. When Donghae tried to say goodbye to Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun was against ending the call without hearing more about ‘this Sungmin guy’. Donghae’s face flushed with pink and he looked around himself again, knowing he was alone but wanted to be secure of it. “Hold on,” Donghae started, before hurrying off to sit in a more open area, where he’d have a better view of his surroundings. “so, Sungmin, he and I, quote-on-quote, ‘knew each other’ in high school, but…”

“Oh! And his English is worse than mine, so it’s really cute… I don’t mean it in a bad way though, my English isn’t that good either, you know, but I’m helping him sometimes and... it’s cute.” Kyuhyun was listening to Donghae talk about Sungmin for almost three minutes now. He knew his friend was really in love with Sungmin with every detail he remembered about him, he was super happy for Donghae. But to not break character, Kyuhyun asked,

“But what does he taste like?” The possible insensitivity of this snarky comment didn’t hit Kyuhyun until after it was out, but to his surprise and luck, Donghae wholeheartedly answered anyway.

“...like the most fluffy cupcake.” He jokingly replied. ‘It’s crazy I was so jealous of him before...’ He thought.

“I’m very happy you’re in love, Donghae, but I still think, if this is how you really feel, you should just follow your heart.” Kyuhyun wasn’t very helpful, but it was to be expected. He was barely 18 and didn’t enjoy doing ‘couple things’. Donghae wished he’d had a friend his age outside of Sungmin, but the only people who seemed to like Donghae while growing up were girls, older women and adult men. Nobody wanted to be Donghae's  _ friend  _ until Sungmin. That was another thing that made him special. Sometimes, not even Kyuhyun would want to speak to him, but he’d never know why. He felt that if Sungmin would stay in his life longer than a minute or two, he wouldn't suffer as much. But right now, Sungmin was the biggest issue. He longed to know how Sungmin saw him, so that if his views were positive or negative, Donghae could wrap this all up and have it over with. He wished he could say he had a good feeling about Sungmin, but he didn’t have any feelings about the situation at all. He simply wished the waiting wouldn’t be endless.

After scraping the barrel for things he liked about his classmate and naming everything he loved about Sungmin from the top of his head, Kyuhyun's same words weighed more, in such a way he knew where it laid within his heart now. However, the only issue with following his heart was what his family might think of him. His family was pretty accepting and loving, but stuff like boys liking boys and girls liking girls was never a topic for him growing up. It was a topic in Kyuhyun’s house, which is how he knew Kyuhyun had always been so accepting and appropriate to call for this. Donghae’s family and Kyuhyun’s family had been friends since before Kyuhyun was born, and that realisation made it all more suspicious why one family is willing and the other didn’t seem to be. But maybe it was a minor detail and Donghae was thinking too much. “Donghae, I’m gonna let you go now. I’m closer to your campus than you think, too! Please visit me sometime, you absolute buffoon.” Donghae fake-sniffled at his KyuKyu’s lighthearted insult and wished him a goodnight. Sighing, Donghae looked up into the sky. It was darker now, but before heading back to his dorm, he sent two texts.

‘I’m not interested, sorry’

And

‘I think I’m in love with you’

Or three texts.

‘Sorry.’


	4. Because I really like you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyuhyun is intrigued, sungmin is mysterious, and donghae's trying to peek into the future.

Donghae waited hours for his reply. It was left unread, which to anyone meant, seen, but unopened. The butterflies in his stomach didn’t help the attempts at trying to get his mind off of it. Sometimes, he wished Sungmin could be as blunt as he was, as rude as that felt to even think. Donghae was blunt with all his friends, he rarely found reason to hide his true feelings unless he thought it would tear them up inside. However, Donghae’s kindness tore him up inside. With everything he’d say ‘yes’ to. Telling his classmate ‘no’ today, besides telling Sungmin his feelings, that felt weird. It felt good, but the sickness he felt was probably not worth it. Sungmin may’ve kissed him first, but what if he thought Donghae was a weirdo anyway? All these thoughts run through Donghae’s mind while listening to music. Donghae wondered even more if there was a chance he might’ve loved Sungmin in highschool, or from the beginning of their then-unofficial friendship, until one of Sungmin’s favourite songs started playing. It was a lovely ballad, the singers’ vocals were incredible to Donghae as well. He began to try and focus on the lyrics instead, but each line made him think of Sungmin somehow. With almost every line, he reminisced on a moment he and Sungmin had shared. It began to feel like yesterday when they first met in the library. The day they went out into town to ‘hang out’... What the hell was that? Donghae’s trying to convince him to visit Kyuhyun’s family café and him refusing to go further, motivating Donghae to actually try getting his license. Being confused if Sungmin actually had a heart or not shortly after heading home. The kiss, and the break that followed.

Donghae thought that maybe he was stupid for being so quick to fall in love with him after that, but when did that even happen, anyway? It was at least 4 weeks ago, meaning they’d only been talking for only 3 weeks since. Was that fast? Should he have waited? Whatever could’ve spawned from a different scenario didn’t matter now anyway. Eventually, this time would have to come, and Donghae would have to live with it anyway. He hadn’t a clue how long he actually liked Sungmin, whether it be before or after, but he was thankful he was at least certain of how he felt. The idea of Sungmin not being certain is what made him feel selfish, but it’s whatever. Right?

Donghae opened his text messages and turned up his music. Saw the text from the girl who asked him out saying ‘it’s okay’. It was sent hours ago, but he left it unopened. Instead, he opened his messages to Sungmin who was typing. All in seconds, Donghae felt his heart pounding against his chest, tears welling in his eyes with nervousness at what Sungmin might reply. Then it stopped. Continued for a split second, then stopped again. He saw while he was busy stressing, Sungmin had read his message an hour ago. Somehow, it comforted him. He decided to put down his phone on his side table and lay down on his stomach and bury his head into his pillow. Just as he cuddled against it, he heard his phone go off. He unplugged his earbuds and let the music play a second before automatically pausing. He knew he had waited for this, but now he didn’t want to see it. He hoped it was just his mom or someone. Covering the bottom half of the screen where the notifications were, he checked the time and turned off his lamp. He was just going to pretend he was having an early night until he actually slept. He wasn’t in his pajamas, but he didn’t care. He lazily tossed his blanket over his body and pretended he was asleep until it happened.

The next morning, Donghae and Sungmins very first thoughts were ‘why am I awake?’ and ‘why am I alive?’. Evenso, they went through their classes very differently. Sungmin barely being able to keep his head up and Donghae more attentive than he’d ever been. Donghae still hadn’t checked his phone, and Sungmin had noticed it. When they met up for lunch today, what was going to happen between them? Sungmin barely working and Donghae working as if his life had been threatened was so out of character to their other friends and acquaintances, their separate behaviours raised some suspicion, but when asked, they swore they were okay.

Sungmin and his dramatic way of thinking made him feel like he was a character in a movie with an unhappy end, that Donghae would move someplace far away without notice and never see him again. Meanwhile, Donghae and his degrading way of thinking made him feel like complete garbage all day. Neither was aware of the others feelings. Donghae refused to entertain his thought that Sungmin might be hurt, and Sungmin was over-thinking what Donghae was feeling was negative. When they finally met for lunch at Sungmin’s car, they looked each other in the eyes for a minute and didn’t say anything. Once inside the car Donghae asked where Sungmin wanted to go today, but Sungmin ignored him and asked if he’d gotten his text. Not taking his eyes off the wheel, Sungmin repeated with ‘I might’ve sent it to the wrong number, even though I know that it’s yours’. It was a snarky joke delivered in a way that it wasn’t funny at all. Donghae felt a tremendous amount of guilt wash over him for not reading it by now. He timidly opened his messages and read all about Sungmin’s true feelings. Sungmin, who hadn’t started the car yet, looked over shyly to see Donghae reading his long, heartfelt text. Sungmin was already so embarrassed as soon as he started mouthing the first word.

Imagining Sungmin’s voice, Donghae learned Sungmin felt as stupid as he did, and so many other things he hadn’t realised. Such as, how Donghae made him feel when he said silly stuff or just other things that made it all click to Donghae. How could Donghae not notice? His face was red and Sungmin, still refusing to put Donghae in his full view, smiled at his embarrassment. They assumed they loved each other; like they lived in a fairy tale with a ‘love from first sight’ trope. “Sungmin, I feel the same way, honestly.” Donghae confessed, but Sungmin, who had inched his way closer and closer to Donghae asked him not to speak anymore. Instead of words, they started kissing. Neither of them had anymore to say; making it feel just right. Donghae didn’t feel this to be much different from the first kiss, his feelings had to have been there before that. The most different thing about this time from the last was that now they were kissing each other again and again in Sungmin’s car and Donghae had to unbuckle their seatbelts. Regardless, it felt like heaven for them both. Neither worried about who would see them, it felt it was only them in the entire world; it  _ was _ heaven.

After all their classes had come to an end, Donghae and Sungmin couldn’t wait to see each other again. Sungmin had been able to focus more on his work and Donghae became much more relaxed. They wondered where the road would take them from here. 

Would Donghae’s family need to know about his new relationship? Would his _ second family  _ like to know? He called Kyuhyun and fanboyed about all the details to him. Kyuhyun just kept saying he was so happy for him over and over. Donghae frowned and asked why he seemed uninterested, Kyuhyun disagreed with the idea he wouldn’t care and explained he was only playing a video game. Donghae pouted while Kyuhyun resumed his focus on his game. Then he got an idea. “Do you want to  _ meet  _ Sungmin?” Now Kyuhyun sounded more interested, but still said ‘I think I already know him with how much you’ve told me,’ which Donghae took as a ‘yes’. Donghae snickered, “I’ll ask Sungmin if he’d like to go over.” Kyuhyun smiled to himself, sang Donghae ‘whatever~’ and hung up. Donghae couldn’t wait for Sungmin to meet his ‘younger brother’. He texted immediately, telling Sungmin about his KyuKyu and how he wanted them to meet. Sungmin — looking for any excuse to be back in Donghae’s presence — happily agreed to drive the ‘further’ that previously intimidated him to meet Kyuhyun.

The sun was setting as they drove, Sungmin looked way better than he did earlier that day. The way the sun kissed his hair and his eyes to make them look lighter was so attractive to Donghae. He didn’t realise how light Sungmin’s eyes really were, they were like a shade of dravite any lapidary would die to have their hands on. He couldn’t fully believe someone so beautiful wanted anything to do with him, he wondered what made him so appealing. Sungmin was a confusing guy, but Donghae was determined he would solve him in some way. Even if the puzzle would turn out to be 24 pieces or over 1000, he would do it and finish without any missing pieces or destroying them in frustration. But again, what was Sungmin thinking? How did he see Donghae compared to how Donghae saw him? Like he was seeing the world from the eyes of a baby, there were many new and confusing things he’d have to figure out. It was something he’d never felt in a relationship with a woman, it was the work of the oh-so godlike Sungmin. 

When the couple finally got to Kyuhyun’s apartment building, Donghae was relieved to find Kyuhyun already waiting outside on the steps. When they got closer, Kyuhyun first gave Donghae a handshake, like they were the ones meeting for the first time. Donghae teased Kyuhyun about it before introducing him and Sungmin. After they shook hands, Sungmin was able to get a better look at his face, and instantly recognised him, much to Donghae’s surprise. “You’re  _ Cho  _ Kyuhyun? From YouTube?” He looked impressed, it was very cute to Donghae, but he looked at Kyuhyun anyway for his reply.   
  


“You’ve seen my videos,” he started awkwardly. He was flattered to be recognised, but didn't know how to react.

“I was watching your covers the other night! You have such a nice voice. I was watching your cover of ‘Windflower’, too! By Park Hyo Shin?”

“Yes!” Kyuhyun exclaimed nervously. “By Park Hyo Shin- do you like ballads?” 

Donghae was so happy to see them get along so well. He wished Sungmin had recommended any of Kyuhyun’s videos to him in the past, though. Kyuhyun was a great kid of many talents, but he had such an awkward personality. Ever since college, Donghae often projected onto Kyuhyun, so today, seeing Sungmin and Kyuhyun enjoying eachothers company made him feel relieved for Kyuhyun. Donghae figured he must be so  _ annoying _ . Then, almost randomly, Kyuhyun asked Sungmin what his ‘intentions’ were with Donghae. Donghae laughed and leaned back on Sungmin’s car. Sungmin looked dumbfounded while Kyuhyun tried to hide a smile. Finally, Sungmin looked to Donghae for help. Donghae thought he was really the cutest in the world. “He’s messing with you,” Donghae smiled. Sungmin’s expression became like ‘OH!’ and he started smiling too. He tried to throw a lame joke back at Kyuhyun, who just cracked up after. 

“Donghae, he’s like an older brother to me, okay? And so is his older brother. And my older sister except, she’s a girl.” Donghae shook his head at Kyuhyun’s words. Kyuhyun carried on. “I know you won’t be dating all my ‘siblings’ but I swear Sungmin, and I  _ like  _ you, but if you hurt any of them, it’s over.”

“I’m very good at martial arts, and I like you too, Kyuhyun, but if you ever hurt me I might hurt you back.” He mocked.

Donghae confirmed, “Sungminnie is good at many things.” Making Kyuhyun fake a gag.

The three went on talking about whatever. Donghae kept telling stories about when Sungmin made him feel smart, and Sungmin kept telling stories about when Donghae would be clumsy and drop his food or mix up his words. Kyuhyun kept saying ‘ew’ jokingly and teasing them with saying, ‘get a room’ multiple times. Sungmin and Donghae had been together less than twenty-four hours, but they were already annoying together. Somehow, they got back on the topic of ballad music. Donghae was completely fine third-wheeling his boyfriend and his brother, but it did feel a little weird. Donghae liked all sorts of music himself, but he wasn’t big on any specific artists’ music. He focused more on lyricism and meanings; how the artist would tell their stories and share their wishes from lyrics that might just sound like a few beautiful words put together under a beautiful melody. His difference with these two, is that they were singers, and he wasn’t. Or, that they were all different, as Sungmin was the only one who knew the sound of his own voice.

“Sungmin, do you sing?”

“No,” Sungmin replied innocently. Donghae didn’t butt-in for the sake of seeing where this would go.

“That’s a shame… Have you ever tried to sing? Or train your voice before?”

“Well,” Sungmin’s smile dropped. “not really.”

“Just being a regular nerd, huh? Well, I’m a nerd who sings. And honestly, the way you talk about the music makes you sound like you’d sing too or, play an instrument or something, you know?” Sungmin shyly looked toward the ground, then back up at Kyuhyun as if to say something but was awkwardly spoken over.

“Sungmin can sing, I’m pretty sure… I’ve just never heard him sing before.” Sungmin put his hands over his face. “But maybe, we’ll talk about that another time.” Sungmin sighed, relieved, while Kyuhyun just felt confused. Maybe Donghae shouldn’t have spoken for him. He didn’t have to treat him like a baby… Instant regret.

None of them had no idea how long they’d been talking, but Kyuhyun thought now would be the time to go. Kyuhyun appreciated getting to know Donghae’s first relationship with another guy before anyone else did, but he wondered if they really knew anything about each other besides what they let on. Kyuhyun knew it wasn’t his business, but he couldn’t help but think about it. After all said their ‘goodbyes’ and the new couple drove off, Kyuhyun stayed back where he sat when they first pulled up, just looking at his phone screen before shooting Donghae a text asking if Sungmin was okay. Donghae wouldn’t reply immediately, but he didn’t mind. He just thought Sungmin was an interesting character. He wanted to help Sungmin. He wasn’t sure what to help him with exactly, and perhaps it was just the fact that Sungmin is a subscriber getting to his head, but he really wanted to.

Maybe it was that Sungmin couldn’t embrace his talents the same way Kyuhyun was able to, although, his destiny of being a lawyer was set in stone whether he liked it or not. Kyuhyun figured Sungmin might understand how he felt on a personal level, something Donghae had trouble relating to Kyuhyun about. Kyuhyun also noticed that Sungmin’s car was really nice and expensive… Did Donghae know that? Kyuhyun shrugged his shoulders and headed back for his home.

What was crazier than three young adults all so passionate about music, meeting and then having this mess be the outcome? One guy is suddenly invested in one other guy’s life, but the one closest to the other guy in his life was the only one with the right to be invested? How  _ annoying _ .

With winter break quickly approaching, Donghae and Sungmin began to face their own paths again. Donghae with the option of going home or staying with Kyuhyun’s family and Sungmin who just didn’t want to go home. On a note they could relate to each other more on, neither could wrap it around their heads that they’d only known each other for such a short time, but had been dating for a month. Donghae was feeling that their relationship was too rushed. Sungmin was feeling the same thing, but it was okay to him. Neither of them talked about their feelings on the matter, though. Sungmin was more interested in what Donghae was doing over the break.

“What would you do with your family verus Kyu’s that would make the break more special?” 

“They’re both my family, Sungmin. It’s not just Kyuhyun who I see as family.” Sungmin thought that if Donghae were to stay at Kyuhyun’s place over the holiday, they’d have more chance of seeing each other for Sungmin’s birthday and Christmas, but Donghae really wanted to stay with his mother and older brother, visit his fathers grave and all of the other fun family stuff that happens in a small family. It was a shame Donghae didn’t have his own car, but Sungmin respected it. Donghae was a success story in the making, and all Sungmin wanted more than to be part of it was to see a happier version of Donghae in the end.

“Ahh,” Sungmin sounded, accepting defeat. Unable to think of anything else relating to family, Sungmin changed the topic to, “well, what are you getting me for my birthday?” 

Donghae hadn’t thought about gifts yet. He was daydreaming about kissing Sungmin for the New Year, Sungmin's birthday, but his mind hadn’t even touched on Christmas yet. “Probably…” Donghae pondered. “I’m not sure yet.” He admitted. He told Sungmin that Christmas had felt forgettable lately. Which Sungmin promptly objected to, saying ‘even though you have a boyfriend now?’. A strange feeling of guilt washed over Donghae. In frustration, Donghae thought that for Christmas, he would just go to Church and pray he and his boyfriend would stop being gay or something. Him and Sungmin had been together for just over a month or so now, and he was okay with that, but how they’ve been dating this long already felt like it was purely Donghae’s fault. “Sungmin, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? No, I’m sorry for asking.”

“Do you even know what I’m talking about?” Donghae asked.

“I don’t think so,” Sungmin admitted. “I just don’t like it when you apologise to me for breathing.”

“Oh, Sungmin… You do that a lot, too.” Donghae remarked.

“Do I?” Sungmin’s expression was fake-offended, which made Donghae feel warm inside. As heavy as Donghae’s regrets were, his love for Sungmin weighed more. And that’s what matters. Isn’t it?


	5. And I know...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghae goes home. sungmin gets trapped between hell and it’s ruler.

Today would be the day the couple parted ways for the first time. It was no big deal for Donghae as much as it was for Sungmin, who went into town and bought Donghae a beanie as an early Christmas gift. Donghae told him he was sorry and he would’ve bought Sungmin a gift too if it weren’t for his lack of a car. Sungmin told Donghae it didn’t matter to him anymore, which left Donghae feeling bad again, but it didn’t matter as long as Sungmin was okay. After Sungmin and Donghae hugged and said goodbye, Donghae cleared a spot on a snowy bench, sat down and waited for his older brother to come pick him up. He started to think about what he could do for Sungmin this holiday; he wondered if he could actually find his way to Sungmin for the New Years slash birthday kiss he keeps fantasizing about. 

Once Donghae was in the car with his brother, he found it hard to tell him what was on his mind after all the talking he and Sungmin had done. He held back best he could, but couldn’t see how a ‘hypothetical question’ would do any damage. His lips trembled trying to ask, but he changed his mind and shut his mouth. “Everything okay?” Donghwa, Donghae's older brother asked. Donghae only nodded and looked out the window. Donghae still thought he’d been an asshole for starting their relationship so early on, even if it wasn’t fully either of their faults. Sungmin and him could’ve still been friends if it weren’t for that girl; they would have still been suffering if it weren’t for her, but perhaps it was for the best — so far, it really felt like it was. Donghae turned up Donghwa’s stereo to tune into whatever was playing. It was Christian music, but he didn’t let it bother him personally. Instead, he just teased Donghwa about it.

“Why do you listen to this in your spare time? Who are you trying to impress?”

Donghwa smiled, not taking his eyes off the road. “Just noise. Besides, sometimes,  _ mom  _ wants a ride.”

Donghae chuckled at the idea of someone as good-looking as his older brother would still be single. “When will you get a girlfriend?” Donghwa took a hand off the wheel and playfully flicked Donghae’s ear. 

“When will  _ you  _ get a girlfriend?” He proposed. Donghae squinted before puffing out his cheeks.

“Mind your business.” He jokingly hissed. Donghwa chuckled softly, his brother was adorable. “How much longer until we get home?” Donghae whined, trying to annoy his brother. Donghwa tried to flick his ear again, but Donghae moved away so he couldn’t. Being with Donghwa gave Donghae the perfect excuse to be as annoying and childish as he wanted. Donghwa never showed any distaste to it, it was very endearing him that even as an adult, Donghae had felt enough comfort around him to let loose and be playful.

“When you grow up, you’re already gonna be so old.” Donghwa taunted. Donghae pouted and pretended he was wiping away tears. “Stop,” Donghwa playfully ordered, but Donghae kept going. Donghwa continued smiling. He missed his brother so much. He was so happy to be back with his family for the holidays that he’d temporarily forgotten about his lover, who happened to text him at the exact moment. Donghae stopped playing around and let Donghwa put his full attention back to the road. Sungmin’s text only said, ‘You need your own car’. Donghae just texted back a bunch of question marks as Donghwa caught him in the corner of his eye. “Who is that?” Donghae told Donghwa it wasn’t his business. Donghwa shook his head in defeat while Donghae felt revlied. He was thankful he had a brother like him. 

As for Sungmin, he didn’t realise how close he actually lived to Kyuhyun’s place. It was only 15 minutes from it, it was just that Sungmin had never gone through Kyuhyun’s area before. He thought he could get Kyuhyun’s number off of Donghae and talk to Kyuhyun over the break or hang out. Sungmin wasn’t so fond of his family or the people his family assumed he was friends with. There was always this kid over on the holidays, who Sungmin thought was stealing his parents. His name was his least favourite name in the world because of constant comparison over the years. Ever since Siwon and his family moved into the penthouse next door, Sungmin had wished they’d move out soon. Of course, Sungmin would have his own place soon after university, but going home and being greeted by Siwon was not worth it. It was childish to dislike Siwon, as he was really nice to everyone, but according to his own family, ‘childish’ was also the best word to describe everything else Sungmin did.

Once home, Sungmin was greeted by his younger brother who texted him too often for no good reasons, and how he was annoying regardless of how he was always busy with his friends. It was endearing to Sungmin and he always felt lucky someone wasn’t afraid to like him, even if it got on his nerves sometimes. Talking to his brother in person instead of through text or over the phone for the first time in a while felt nice. Unfortunately, Sungmin’s moment was interrupted by a phone call from Donghae. Sungmin excused himself and went to his room.

“Donghae?”

“Min, are you okay?” Donghae asked. “I got a moment to myself and realised you never texted back.” Sungmin felt embarrassed by that. It was the first day being apart and his poor texting skills were starting to shine.

“I was gonna say you should get your own car so we could talk while driving… Like a phone call? I’m fine.” Donghae explained his worry for Sungmin, which flattered him, but he didn’t pay attention. While Donghae spoke Sungmin looked around his room. His closet was full of pink and light-coloured clothes he’d left behind, his bed set was white and his pillows were fluffy. Parents on their way back or not, it was great to be back. Sungmin laid on his bed and just listened to Donghae speak. He loved Donghae’s voice, but he wished he could be with him at this moment. 

“Sungmin, are you listening?” Donghae asked.

“No, sorry, I spaced out.”

“Sungmin,” Donghae asked again. “do- do your parents know?”

Sungmin’s mind blanked. “Know about what? You or…?”

“Either,” Donghae was timid. “because I don’t like to tell lies, right? So I thought if your family knew, mine could know too.”

“You’re dying to talk about me.” Sungmin teased.

“Are you flirting?”

“Hah!” He faked. “Well, they don’t. They actually suck, they always tease me about it but I always deny and then they’re like, ‘we actually don’t care’, they don’t do that to my brother or the neighbours son!” Sungmin realised he was venting when he noticed Donghae had interrupted him accidently. Donghae’s end was silent and he apologised for speaking over him. Sungmin snapped out of his mood and told Donghae not to apologise. Sungmin pulled one of his pillows over his face and pressed it hard against him while Donghae apologised for apologising. “I just wish you were here.”

“You can talk to me whenever you want to…” Sungmin’s brother knocked on his door to let him know their parents were home.   
  
“It’s not that easy.” Sungmin stated. “Bye, Donghae,” he paused, then whispered. “I love you.” He hung up and went to greet his parents. All he wished was that he would have Donghae over the holiday. He would text him later asking for Kyuhyun’s number so they could hang out, but Kyuhyun’s company would never be close to that of his Donghae’s..

‘Sungmin, it would be my honour to have your hand in friendship.’

Sungmin regretted ever texting this loser. He knew that wasn’t how he actually talked, he just hated it. He didn’t understand why Kyuhyun would _want_ to sound so cringeworthy at 18 years old, but it could’ve been because he was truly enjoying his life or... something. It certainly was not charming, though.

‘Kyuhyun, calm down.’

‘...’

Sungmin rolled his eyes. It was now 9pm, he didn’t want to play games, just to speak. Kyuhyun was so unnecessarily annoying over text. After not replying for less than two minutes, Kyuhyun decided to call Sungmin. Sungmin answered, “Hello?” Purposefully sounding as bored as possible.

“Your highness, it would be my pleasure and great honour to ‘hang out’ with you over the break.”

Sungmin poorly faked a yawn. “Do you talk to Donghae like this, too?”

Finally, Kyuhyun dropped his act. “To be honest, I think I’m nicer to Donghae. There’s photos of our families standing next to each other before I was born, and there’s this one picture where Hae’s right next to my mom and sister, who was pregnant with me then!” He exclaimed. “I think I treat Donghae like the intimidating demon he is.”

Sungmin snorted, not understanding the moral of that story, he couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. “You would treat  _ demons  _ the way you treat Donghae?”

“He’s not an ordinary demon. He’s like, dumber and, related to me, I guess. But, if I had met an actual demon, they would be treated way worse than Donghae.” Sungmin didn’t think Kyuhyun realised how stupid he sounded, so he didn’t reply long enough to let him realise. “Uhm… What do you see in Donghae anyway?” Kyuhyun asked. Sungmin wanted to talk to Kyuhyun because Kyuhyun was the closest link he had to Donghae. However, it was this question that made Sungmin remember why he doesn’t like talking to younger people.  _ Especially  _ the younger relatives or friends of the people he was dating. They always wanted Sungmin to turn out terrible so they could ‘save the day’. Kyuhyun was weirder than all of them so far. It was like he spoke in a foreign language only he could understand. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to blind Sungmin to what Kyuhyun was really thinking. He was an overprotective little shit. 

Sungmin didn’t know what it was about Donghae, but somehow, he made him feel safe. He also admired Donghae’s carefree attitude, his amazing storytelling and poetry, how kind he was and so many other things about Donghae that just seemed like surface information. But under said surface he’s sensitive, kind of a brat, a good kisser, a supportive friend, clumsy, honest, and protective. Sungmin didn’t know where to begin. “Donghae, he’s… amazing. There’s a lot I like about Donghae but I couldn’t tell you why I started to like him at all. He just seemed cute and… na ïve.” Sungmin tried to think of something else to say. “I didn’t want to be his friend, I honestly expected him and I would never talk again after the first time but then it didn’t go that way and… I don’t know. I started to  _ like  _ him.” The last part was whispered, but that didn’t bother Kyuhyun.

“Gross,” Kyuhyun joked. “why do you think Donghae likes you?” It seemed like a serious question, but Sungmin asked why he would ask something like that. Sungmin was offended Kyuhyun would make him out to be a narcissist who didn’t really love his boyfriend, but Kyuhyun only said, “Chill out, I was joking.” The last thing Sungmin wanted this holiday was to become suspicious of someone he wanted to like, but that would sit with him for a while. What a shame.

Sungmin and Kyuhyun kept talking, but Sungmin wasn’t brave enough to stop Kyuhyun from asking annoying questions about his relationships. He’d regretted asking for the child's number, until Kyuhyun finally shut up again. Sungmin was ready to hang up, but then Kyuhyun started speaking. “Hey, remember when we met and I asked you that question?” Sungmin knew what he was talking about, but didn’t reply. “I never asked if you played instruments? I’m sorry if that was weird for you then, you’re kinda like an older version of myself, I think.” He did ask. Sungmin just didn't answer him. He was skeptical, but he told Kyuhyun about his forgotten passion.

“I have a few instruments, I can play them all, too.” He revealed. “It’s just that they were ‘useless’, so I dropped them to focus more on my studies.” It was now Sungmin’s turn to realise how dumb he sounded. He felt so weak after listening to himself, it was like he’d just been told he was brainwashed years ago and his life since had been a lie. Which was oddly specific, but it was how he felt.

“And you sing too?” Kyuhyun asked.

“Uhm, yeah, sort of. But I won’t sing now.”

“Shower singer?”

Sungmin sighed at the remark. “Where are your lessons..?”

Kyuhyun seemed so proud to keep talking about singing, and how lucky he felt to be able practice all his hobbies. Then he told Sungmin, “You’re probably not as lucky as me, but I wanna spend time with you like that.” It was quite the awkward sentence, but Sungmin couldn’t believe it. He never expected to befriend a cover YouTuber he liked and have someone sort-of understand him like that before. Especially not from some dumb, idiot, younger guy, who also happened to be a YouTuber he liked.   
  
“That sounds great, really.” Sungmin felt shocked. “With all the talent you have, why didn’t you audition for a K-pop company or something?”

Kyuhyun’s proud tone changed. “I wanted to, but I was held back. My parents were like ‘what if the group doesn’t end up well’ or ‘what if the company keeps all your paychecks?’. I rebelled pretty hard, but it always ended up sabotaged, which sucks because groups I could’ve been in are all pretty successful, even though they haven’t been around long yet.”

“I’m sorry, Kyuhyun. I can understand how that would feel.”

“I know,” this kid was really starting to get on Sungmin’s nerves. “But, at least they let me have all this expensive stuff… It’s like, ‘as long as you’re happy — but you have to be our family’s successor!’ or something. And I respect that. I’m good at school, but I don’t like to brag about that… I make money off YouTube, too, so I guess I’m okay.” 

“Don’t you think it’s gonna be pretty weird when you’re doing an important job one day, and someone recognises you from YouTube?” Sungmin laughed, imagining the scenario. Kyuhyun related to Sungmin’s comment a lot; they started to enjoy the phone call again. Regardless, Sungmin was jealous of how this 18 year old already had his life so seemingly situated. He wished he and Kyuhyun could switch lives, but wouldn’t dare to say that to him, in fear Kyuhyun might start talking all weird again.


	6. You love me, but...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghae is spiraling. sungmin doesn't want to hurt him.

“Should I say something to my family?” Sungmin still didn’t want to give Donghae a serious answer. “Seriously, should I?” And he was not helping.

“If you want!” Sungmin whined. “I don’t think mine would care why should yours? It’s not their business, really.”

“I’m just bugging you.” An innocent fib, but he was sure Sungmin could tell it was. Donghae was really just feeling anxious. After being away from Sungmin for a few days, he began to think about and question many things that he hadn't allowed himself to think of much before.

Their relationship was still quite new, so Donghae figured it was just normal. What he didn’t think was normal, was why it was such a huge deal to him. Donghae had never dated another guy before, and he doesn’t know if Sungmin had either. Sungmin had vaguely mentioned ex-girlfriends and Donghae was suddenly thinking about his own ex-girlfriends now. It was like there was an emptiness in those relationships that he hadn’t yet felt with Sungmin. But at the end of the day, it was no big deal… until the next morning when he’d no longer have himself convinced. He wondered if Sungmin felt the same way. On the surface, to people who didn’t know him, he might come off as a guy who doesn’t care about anything, but Donghae knew otherwise. He tried to change the topic. “What would you like for Christmas? It’s coming up quickly…” Donghae could barely manage the last part, but he hoped Sungmin could pass it off as a connection issue.

“I don’t care,” Sungmin admitted.

“But, you do.” Donghae teased, picking up his own smile.

“Really, I don’t.” Sungmin said again, followed by a yawn. In his sleepy voice, he said “Just want you to cheer up.” He cooed.

Donghae’s smile lost its place. “I’ll be fine,” he assured. Trying to change the subject quickly, Donghae tried asking about Kyuhyun and if Sungmin and him had hung out yet, but Sungmin hushed his own tone and told him ‘don’t change the topic’. Donghae was gonna lose his entire mind. He ‘hated’ Sungmin and he hated being apart from him. “Stop— stop being mean to me.” Donghae quietly teased. Sungmin grunted and chuckled before dismissing himself in his normal tone. He was off to help his mother in the kitchen, or ‘something’. After Sungmin hung up, Donghae went to spend time with his own mother as well, which he already often did, it was just that he didn’t think it was much fun to have a spare moment without Sungmin. 

On the eve of Christmas day, Kyuhyun and Sungmin finally hung out. Kyuhyun was excited to introduce Sungmin to his family as a new friend, which was really odd to Sungmin. He really couldn’t stand this kid, or how his bedroom looked so inelegant to the rest of his family’s home. Just his bed, a tall lamp, boxes that looked to be left over from the move in, his computer and office chair, and a few posters on the wall Sungmin hadn’t noticed in his old videos. Kyuhyun was nicer today though, so Sungmin didn’t let it bother him too much. “What are we even doing?” Kyuhyun muttered, shutting the door. Sungmin questioned him closing the door, too, but didn’t vocalise it. “Oh,” Kyuhyun gasped. “I want to show you my set-up!” Kyuhyun walked over to his computer desk and tried to spin the chair with a single hit, but it hit the desk. Sungmin snorted. Was Kyuhyun always like this? Who would’ve known…

“You wanted me to sing something for you, right?” Sungmin asked. Kyuhyun seemed timid to confirm that. He was excited about something for sure. 

“Sungmin, ever since Donghae told me about you, I’ve been interested.” He smiled. Sungmin kept an awkward smile as well. “Wait, that came out really wrong… You just sounded like a really cool guy, I’ve been curious about you.” Kyuhyun pouted. 

“That’s cute.” Sungmin admitted. “I’ll sing something for you.” Kyuhyun looked almost relieved. Even though Sungmin was older, Kyuhyun wanted to live through him. He set up his mic and Sungmin started singing a song he swore he’d known by heart, but struggled to remember a few words. Kyuhyun grinned. He felt Sungmin was just an older version of himself who he could convince to rebel and chase his dreams. Of course, he didn’t know Sungmin’s dreams himself, but he’d chosen them for him. The way Donghae spoke about Sungmin made him sound easy. When Sungmin finished his song, Kyuhyun didn’t give any criticism. He barely even listened, afterall. He just liked Sungmin’s smile trying to remember those few words, knew his voice was at least good, and that he seemed passionate singing the rest of the song easily with his eyes shut. 

After singing, Sungmin tried to do anything else while Kyuhyun was stuck in his own mind. He wondered how he’d finally managed to get a realistic version of his dream-self in his bedroom, singing for him and all… Sungmin tried not to show his annoyance with Kyuhyun's endless praise, but when he snapped, it had been in the form of asking Kyuhyun to play a game with him. About a half-hour of turn-taking on a computer game later, Sungmin announced he should get back home, he didn’t expect anything from hanging out with Kyuhyun, but this made the standard lower somehow. Plus, Sungmin only wanted to talk to Donghae. Kyuhyun made him uncomfortable for some reason.

“Merry Christmas, Kyuhyun!”

As Sungmin was driving away, he wondered why he would even subject himself to that in the first place. Even if Kyuhyun was weird, he figured visiting him was better than being with his parents all day. At least for now, until he and Donghae might live together someday...

“Hae, you should sleep.” Suggested Sungmin, sleepily himself. 

“But Sungminnie…” Donghae moaned. He was going to continue, but

“Sungmin.”

“Sungmin… You should sleep first. I think you live closer to Santa than I do anyway.” Donghae shyly explained.

“Santa?” He scoffed. “Are you too young for me?” Sungmin teased.

“No, baby.” Donghae said without a hint of embarrassment. Donghae sounded oddly sexy when he was sleepy, if they talked any longer Sungmin might- “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Ahh, it’s a secret. Santa knows, though.” Sungmin smiled to himself. Donghae simply accepted Sungmin's words.

“Goodnight, kid.”

He was so cute, and so hot… “Goodnight, Donghae.”

Christmas morning. Neither boy sends each other a ‘good morning’ text. One sleeps in, the other wakes up at the same time as his mother and waits for breakfast.

Donghae all throughout the break has felt guilty. And feeling guilty even on Christmas just made it all worse. He really wanted to tell his mother and brother— who had entered the house just seconds ago— the truth about why he wasn’t really himself since returning, but looking at them greet each other and hug made him wonder if he’d be ruining the moment.

Donghae got out of his seat to hug and greet his brother while his mom put pancakes on his plate. “Merry Christmas, Hae! You’re going to love what we got you!” Donghwa exclaimed. Donghae tried to fake his excitement, but kept getting frowny faces from them all throughout breakfast. It was like they were silently begging him to tell them what was wrong. Donghae never understood why his family treated him like that, but he couldn’t be bothered too much right now; He didn’t want to talk at all today.

Finally, his mother asked, “Why are you so down on Christmas?” She looked so sad for him that it broke Donghae’s heart.

“I’m sorry for bringing us down on Christmas…” He looked down at his fork and plate. “I wish I could fake things better.”

Donghwa couldn’t help but hold back an ‘excuse me?’, this was too out of character for his brother. Donghae knew it was out of line, too, but all he felt over it was more and more guilt.

“Listen, Ijustdon’tknowhowtotellyouguysthatIthinkI’mgay... and I have a boyfriend.” Donghae’s heart rate increased as soon as his words started to speed up. “I’ve been thinking about it all break, and I really want to see him for the New Year and I don’t want to lie to you guys, okay?! I’m super sorry! Excuse me.” Tears in his eyes and his heart pounding against his chest, Donghae dismissed himself from the table, leaving his family to process what he’d just told them. Donghae scared himself more than anyone else, his mother believed he had some type of panic disorder, but he never thought about it until moments like this — moments when he would run off crying from something his heart told him was no big deal.

Curled into a ball in his bed, he finally texted Sungmin ‘Merry Christmas’, hoping he’d reply quickly so he could explain what just happened, but then he realised that Sungmin can’t always understand him, and it might ruin his day, too. ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ He thought. He laid on his bed with his head buried in his pillow, overthinking about every worst-case scenario that could happen. 

His phone vibrated, but he didn’t check it out of the sudden realisation Sungmin might be disappointed in him for texting so late. He turned his body to the wall away from his phone and door. He’d stopped crying by now but he was still so worried about what his mother and Donghwa were talking about now. He knew his family could never be mean to him, but what if it was what he had to fear? What if he would be ‘respectfully told’ to pray it away? He’d considered it before, but he loved Sungmin too much—

A knock at the door, hearing his name softly spoken from his mother, followed by a door opening. It happened too fast for his liking. Donghae sat up and tried to greet her but before the words could come out she asked him, ‘why are you so scared?’

When Donghae was finally feeling better, he went back to feeling like a selfish idiot. Sure, he scored his mother’s trust and love, Donghwas teasing about this ‘mystery boyfriend’ and a car to match his license this Christmas, but now was the time to text Sungmin back. 

Instead of telling Sungmin about the main events of today, despite his family's teasing, he decided to just talk about what they were gifted for Christmas. Much to Donghae’s disappointment, Sungmin’s Christmas seemed very uneventful, so he kept asking Donghae to call him or just talk more about his day instead. 

When Sungmin called Donghae first, Donghae didn’t know how to answer outside an awkward ‘hi’. Sungmin cutely asked him to tell him about his car and other gifts, but instead Donghae said ‘now you’re gonna have to meet my family’.

Donghae woke up thinking of Sungmin, thinking about how much he adored him and how happy he was that all these years later, they’d be able to find each other like this. Donghae had never felt this way about anyone he’d been with before, it was sort-of magical to him. He texted Sungmin to say good morning, and that, again, he wished he was with him. It was early on their relationship but it didn’t feel right to be in such an intimate setting from his past alone now. He’d barely remembered the faces of his past girlfriends but they’d all been in his bed at some point. As much as that made Donghae sound like he was a player, nothing ever really happened. They all hated him for it, but he didn’t mind that much. He wondered if he was gay or bisexual, but he didn’t let himself dwell on it too much. It was meaningless to him, wasn’t it? He had Sungmin and his family loved Sungmin, nothing else should matter. 

Until it would.

“If Kyuhyun calls you today, please don’t answer.”

“Why not?” Donghae asked his boyfriend. Sungmin sounded pretty annoyed, but Donghae didn’t know why. They didn’t even start the phone call with ‘hello’, it was just ‘If Kyuhyun calls you’... “I didn’t get to wish him a merry Christmas yet.”

“I thought you were close family friends?” Sungmin paused, like he was waiting for Donghae to answer, but continued on. “Look, anyway, I don’t think Kyuhyun likes you very much. He said all this rude stuff about you and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Like what? Are you okay?” Donghae was worried about Sungmin. He hadn’t even a guess as to what ‘rude stuff’ his KyuKyu could’ve possibly said. He thought for a minute that maybe Sungmin was overreacting, but he didn’t want to be suspicious of him…

“Forget it,’ Sungmin said. “I gotta go, forget I said anything, maybe I’m just overreacting.”

Well then.

Sungmin swiftly slashed a clothing hanger through the air, having it make a slicing noise as it travelled through the room. It made him think of a sword, he did this a lot when he was younger and frustrated. It was a silly thing to do, but it didn’t feel that silly when you were distraught. He wished he had the heart to tell Donghae what Kyuhyun had said, but he feared Donghae would either never believe him, or it would ruin his ‘success story’. He would never truly understand how much Kyuhyun meant to him. He had his own brother and his own friends, but Donghae and Kyuhyun only really had each other, and they never lived in the same house — at least to Sungmin’s knowledge. Donghae never mentioned anyone to Sungmin outside his and Kyu’s families. He felt guilt wash over him like a wave swallowing a helpless creature when he realised how selfish he’d just been. He felt he should not have said anything regarding the comments at all, but he was certain he was not overreacting. He knew Kyuhyun had a weird obsession with him, as he made it quite obvious, but he would have never guessed he’d go as far to insult Donghae over it. Perhaps, it really was just him becoming the ‘protective’ type, and even if that wasn’t true, he’d hoped this call would never come up.

He wished Donghae were with him, so the only person willing to talk to Kyuhyun would be Donghae, and they could just do whatever they wanted to do. Together. Only Sungmin and Donghae, the way it had been and the way they liked it.


	7. I'm scared...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: implied sexual abuse, implied abusive relationship, implied mental illness  
> donghae, i took an insult for us today.

For Sungmin’s birthday, the couple met at a depressing bar in the middle of nowhere — somewhere around Donghae’s place. Barely anyone was there to celebrate the New Year, though, so Donghae and Sungmin basically alone, with a bartender who seemed to be minding his business and a few customers who spoke in hushed tones, was enough for now. Donghae thought this was too boring, but Sungmin  _ wanted  _ to be here. What was the point in having a cool, sexy, genius boyfriend if he didn’t want to have any fun? To be fair, Donghae was sensitive to loud noises, but he wouldn’t tell Sungmin that in a million years. Or at least until he saw Sungmin properly enjoy himself.

Donghae sat outside beside the bar while Sungmin was inside trying all the drinks that intrigued him. It already felt like they’d been out for 1,000 nights and spent well over 1,000 on drinks with the way Sungmin was able to chug it like it was apple juice, meanwhile Donghae couldn’t handle any of it. The night was cold, snowy, and dark. Donghae wanted to suggest fireworks, but he was waiting for Sungmin to come to his senses. Donghae wasn’t worried about him, but he was annoyed. He knew Sungmin had such a tolerance but he didn’t think it was like this. He didn’t want to be near him in case of the chance he’d show his annoyance. Although it wasn’t his night, he felt it had already been ruined by this version of ‘fun’. He hoped Sungmin was happy drinking away such an occasion.

“Donghae!” Sungmin shouted into the darkness. “Haeee!” He was such an extrovert under influence, Donghae had repressed his ideas that it would be cool to join him with thoughts about how he hated the taste and how they’d need a designated driver later. At the moment, it was sort-of funny to Donghae how Sungmin’s sudden extroverted personality reminded him of a blonde, white girlfriend in a 70s movie who was down to do anything. Those kinds of movies would be something Donghae would watch a million times, but never be able to figure out the morals. 

Sungmin was seated next to Donghae now, making Donghae feel a little bit uncomfortable. He was cute, but the first thing he asked was if Donghae was okay. Donghae wanted to ask the same question, but he didn’t. Sungmin didn’t seem very intoxicated, but Donghae still wouldn’t want to give him any hard-truths. Another minute of silence proposed another question for Donghae. Sungmin wanted to dance with him… There wasn’t any music in the bar but Sungmin insisted they danced… Donghae mentioned he wasn’t good at dancing, but they were slow dancing before they knew it.

Donghae was a fucking weirdo who carried mints in his jacket and a fucking weirdo who handfed two to his boyfriend before they started, but it all worked out. It was strange without any music, but they’d just have to deal with it. The slow snow decorating their hair as they waltzed made the moment feel almost romantic. It was lovely in it’s own way, Sungmin was leading the dance but Donghae kept focusing too hard on the directions his feet were moving. It was finally Sungmin’s turn to feel like this was unfair, but before he could get a word out his mouth, Donghae asked him about what Kyuhyun had said about him. Looking back to Sungmin’s face to make eye contact while Sungmin continued to lead, he noticed the atmosphere hadn’t gone far, but now, for Sungmin, whatever he had of it was being carried down like the fading of a melody.

The question to Sungmin was a string of words that he swore nobody would believe the answer to. He dodged the question by trying to talk about how his mother had mentioned he was born sometime in the afternoon and nowhere close to midnight, but Donghae’s gaze was intense and heavy, making every word he said feel more and more ignorant... Sungmin stopped in his place and took Donghae’s hand from his shoulder and into both of his. “We don’t have to talk about this now…” He said.

“Why not?” Donghae asked. “I’ve given it some thought, I can’t be with someone who holds irrational hatred for my friends.”

It wasn’t exactly clear to Sungmin this had been given a lot of thought. He wondered if Donghae knew he had a way with words compared to others. Maybe it was his drinking and letting Donghae alone perhaps made him tip over, but he couldn’t put his finger on why it would be such a big deal now. Sungmin didn’t know how to take back what he’d said that day, but he was smart enough to not attempt to now. “Can I change my birthday wish to… talking about this later?” Sungmin felt guilty, his eyes were filled with tears he refused to let fall by smiling them away. Donghae’s expression handed the answer straight to every emotional repector in his brain. 

“You can call your way home.” 

And whether Sungmin liked it or not, he was alone again. He wanted to curse at Donghae, but he was already gone. He went back inside the bar and took a seat at a booth, putting his arms in front of him to bury his head in and cry, just like he’d done years ago. At least Donghae knew what he wanted, unlike  _ her _ . It felt that with every tear, another memory of her came running through the finish line into his thoughts. The time, the time, the time and the time began to run laps until his brain was too tired to keep watching. 

“Sungmin,” The woman moaned. The imagery was unspeakable, the dream was silent except for the name calling and unsteady breathing. “You’re the lamest boyfriend I ever had.” Sungmin agreed with a single sound, then everything got dark. He was alone in dead silence, until once again the voice echoed all sorts of familiar insults. The loudest ones including words like ‘no wonder’, ‘psychopath’, ‘overdose’ and ‘crybaby’. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, he tried to run from the darkness but instead the only change was that music was now playing over the insults, like wind chimes…

‘2 missed calls from Mom’, his phone screen read. “Shit,” he whispered. “Fuck!” The bar around him was already clean. The new bartender was enjoying a drink himself. He raised his eyebrows at the sight of Sungmin’s furious approach and offered to call him a taxi, but Sungmin was too angry to let the words land. “Can’t you lose your licence for this?! Why didn’t you send me home before closing?”

“I don’t know, guy before me said you were having a pretty hard time.” Sungmin’s face flushed red with embarrassment, but he knew it was a bullshit excuse for something. He was thankful he didn’t come home drunk, but still threatened to report it, asked him ‘what if it was a woman’ and tried to tell him he wouldn’t be coming back, but the bartender rudely interrupted him, laughing. “If  _ you  _ were a woman?” The man got uglier by the second. “Might want to keep your fairy-relationship details to yourself.” The man thought he was a comedian for that, it was sickening. 

“F-fairy?” A smile crept onto Sungmin’s face trying to figure what that man just said to him. " _Fairy?_ " When it got to him, a spell of nervous laughter kicked him in the ass. “Have a great fucking day.” He hated self-control, but he also hated working to pay off bills for shit he didn’t care for. 

He missed Donghae already. All he knew was that Donghae had left him alone and hadn’t broken up with him, like it was a ‘call me when you’re ready’, sort-of thing. He liked Donghae, a lot. Donghae never made him feel as if he were less than him or another person. Donghae would never do anything to hurt him and for that, he loved Donghae. He wanted to be with Donghae, he didn't want to be angry or sad, all he wanted was his most favourite Donghae. His head hurt, he was angry and wanted something out of his control. Donghae was a trip, but he was his. Something Sungmin had learned through his recovery process was that not everything was going to result in disaster. This was a minor dent on their relationship that might take a while to fix, but certainly not permanent; nothing was ever truly permanent.

The end,

Not the ending,

The beginning,

Not yet the rising,

Every ending in life brings a new start

Just wait a minute,

It’s getting good


	8. (And if it scares you, too...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sungmin successfully reunites with some old friends.

One finger dry, two fingers dry, three fingers dry, four fingers dry. Again. Two dead eyes, one cold hand, four dry fingers. Again. One hanging towel, one cold mirror, two warm lights. Again. Four walls, one small bathroom, two dead eyes, one rough towel. Aggression. Ten silent minutes of drying his fingers after washing his hands, one by one, lifelessly. He was half-expecting a rash, or to end up ripping his fingers off, given his grip and speed. But he didn’t. 

A knock on the door dismissed him. That was it.

It has been a few days since his birthday now and school was starting again soon. His brother was out with his friends and he wasn’t gone. He told his parents he was studying, but whenever he opened a book, he’d almost-instantly fall asleep. He didn’t know what to do. It felt like his days were longer, like they got longer with age or something, but he knew that wasn’t it. There wasn’t anything to look forward to other than the inevitable — school holiday ending. He wasn’t ready to talk to Donghae yet, so he tried to reach out to some old friends.

Not knowing who to contact first, he scrolled far down into his phone, briefly able to recall a few old names and luckily, finding just a few. His only issue past this was that he didn’t know if he  _ really _ wanted to contact them, or if he just didn’t want to be at home.

Drinking down the last of his cranberry flavoured ginger-ale, Sungmin decided to call just one of them. One of them, who was nearly in all of Sungmin’s friend groups from then, but when he got his answer, it came through text about two hours later.

‘Hey Sungmin, it’s been a long time. Sorry, but I’m not really interested in being your friend anymore. Nothing personal, life just goes on’

“‘Life just goes on’.” Sungmin quietly repeated. Sungmin opened his old friends’ social media. It looked like a good handful of that old friend group was at a party recently. Too many familiar faces in one, recent photo. If he was not as mature as he was, it might make him feel unwanted, but as the old friend told him... He knew you never clicked with your soulmate or otherwise when you’re a teenager, but for these guys, he was either wrong or they were all still immature. He thought these things because he was afraid to admit to himself that he was jealous. “‘Life just goes on’, Sungmin. Get it together.” Sungmin stared blankly at the text until his phone screen got dark and turned itself off.

Maybe he’d call Donghae and tell him what happened. The only reason he didn’t want to was because he didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He wanted to be mean and allow himself to think ‘next time, I just won’t say anything,’ but he knew that was wrong, too.

Donghae really was his best friend. There might never be another Donghae.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

There  _ would  _ never be another Donghae.

“Sungmin, hi.” It was Donghae. He sounded stern and annoyed. Sungmin was nervous in an instant. 

“I think I owe you something…?” He asked, stupidly.

“Whatever it is, I won’t believe it. How does it take you this long?”

“Why  _ won’t  _ you believe me?” Sungmin argued. “I didn’t want you to get hurt? It hurt me to hear those words, you know… That’s why I called you, I was angry.” He confessed.

“No,” Donghae was still upset, but he appreciated his listening. “I think you’re twisted. Do— do you know Kyuhyun is the only friend I have?” His voice broke, it was clear it was hard for him to admit such a thing, but Sungmin understood. Sungmin took it upon himself to end the call there. He had nothing left to say to Donghae. He almost wanted to ask if this was the end, but he feared for the response. Another possible ‘up to how you feel’ break-up had perhaps reoccurred. His emotions were in a game of tug-of-war between sadness and rage. He didn’t want to cry anymore, and he didn’t want to be angry either, so he turned out his light and dove into bed, burying his head into one pillow and throwing the other on top of him rather than grab his blanket. He told himself this would all be over soon. He himself did not know what he was referring to with the thought, but he didn’t want to think about that either. The tears he didn’t want to cry came naturally.

‘Twisted’. What a unique name.

  
  
  


Back in his dorm, Sungmin still wasn’t motivated to study. Instead, he’d spend his time with a few inanimate stowaway friends from his bedroom closet at home. Funny-looking old friends, but worth his time. He didn’t know how he wasn’t questioned for it, but he was thankful for that. Maybe it had to do with him being an adult now, but even that seemed unlikely, so he took it as a miracle. His roommate wouldn’t have time to mind this ‘new’ interest of his, as he seemed to find a new girlfriend to spend time with. It was pleasant. It was nice to be alone. In a setting where you should be thinking about one thing, it was better to think of something else every once in a while. These ‘friends’ of his took him back to a better time. Making his parents proud wasn’t something he felt pressure to then, his teachers and classmates wouldn’t think of him as strange or ‘in need’. It was so long ago, but he wished he had never let that stuff get to him. With them, Sungmin would take time to relearn old languages and study new ones, he would find joy in correcting his mistakes with nobody else's judgement, and as he did it, he also took time to reflect.

When he first met Donghae on campus, he wanted the relationship between them to be parasitic; he wanted to benefit from Donghae’s kindness and to reinvent himself in his eyes as the one who he would have to worry about, but he simply could not do it. Recovering from a state of mind where you think the universe is out to get you should never include inflicting it onto others. It was something he had learned back then, at the start of the process, but he thought was stupid until Donghae unknowingly demonstrated it to him. It was shocking to him at the time that he’d finally give into something he had once cringed at. Donghae had done so much for him and now, he would probably never know it.

  
  
  


Too quickly, the snow was melting and the exhausted spring sun was slowly becoming less tired, climbing into the sky faster and faster with each passing week. Hay fever would rule the area in no time and as far as Sungmin was aware, Donghae was still alone. There is no truer evil in the modern world than time; Sungmin imagined he’d have more time to get over his forlorn and pathetic, self-pitish feelings, but he ended up looking like the fool.

Sungmin had accepted a while back that he and Donghae were no more, but it didn’t mean he didn’t still care. In the moments he would wonder what Donghae was up to, he would also beat himself up for not finding the courage to  _ ask _ . He only wished Donghae wouldn’t hate him for too long. He thought it was weird to be in the shoes Donghae had worn upon the day he met Sungmin and apologised for the past, but that thought was as ‘weird’ as the fact that everyone’s actions had consequences.

  
But he was still quite confused. How would things have gone if he had just told Donghae that Kyuhyun had called him ‘slow and confused’? Or, that he had admitted Donghae’s appreciation for him only made him feel better about himself? Does the action of protecting someone you care about  _ have  _ to have such harsh consequences? Was this a lesson? Or a sign? Does being a little intimidated  _ have  _ to lead you back down into the darkness you were climbing out of? Having lived in bits in pieces, there were also things Sungmin would have to be ‘slow and confused’ about. Perhaps, Kyuhyun might be a little young (or a little spoiled) to understand it, but putting others down over a real-world experience did not make you better than others. 


	9. Forever is a long time, but

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghae's new friend tells him he needs to move on.

Months had passed without Sungmin and Donghae was struggling to make new friends. He had barely tried to get over the relationship they had — how Sungmin seemed to understand him when he could barely understand himself. A person could never help to not miss that sort of thing. As for Kyuhyun, over the time that had passed, Donghae had a suspicion that Sungmin wasn’t lying. It was not too outlandish, it wasn’t like Sungmin was manipulative or anything, but because of his gut feeling, he stopped contacting Kyuhyun all-together. Some days, it felt long overdue. Other days, he felt shame. Donghae knew Kyuhyun to be nice most times. Maybe he had a very-specific blindness to him, but he didn’t want to believe it was the case.

The more time that went on without Kyuhyun or Sungmin, the more time Donghae had to think. He thought about everything, there was a point he took a break to wonder if all this thinking was making him crazy, but the topic was never revisited. The thoughts he came back to him the most were about Kyuhyun, and why his family and Kyuhyun’s family had stopped talking last year, second most on the list was about himself, and how he thought there must be something wrong with him that he can’t put his finger on, and then, about Sungmin. He wanted to know how Sungmin was doing, but he was shamefully too timid to send a message or go see him. The last time he heard anything about Sungmin was about how Sungmin hadn't seemed himself. He knew this because he asked a shared acquaintance — he asked because he cared

‘Maybe, check on him. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to anyone, though.’

How the words haunted him. Sungmin either was mad at him or too upset then to reach his normal mark. The classmate, luckily, never asked for an update, but it still made Donghae feel guilty, but he was too scared. Too scared to talk to Kyuhyun, too scared to approach the boyfriend he abandoned, too scared to vent to his brother in fear of being misunderstood or stupidly finding comfort in ‘it’ll all end soon’, and too scared to even come to terms with all the research he’d been doing, all the possible answers to his and everyone else's burning question; ‘what is wrong with you?’. 

‘What is wrong with you?’  
‘What is wrong with you?’  
_‘What is wrong with you…’_

“Mind if I sit here?”

A new voice. Donghae had not realised how full of himself he was until this voice pulled him out and made him remember where he was and what he was doing. He must have looked so strange the entire time. “Go ahead…” Donghae gently closed his laptop and let the smell of coffee and bread, the sun shining through the windows and the small crowds that surround him, take him back to the present. Then he looked up to see a new face. Not caring if this man was sent from heaven or hell, he hoped he would stay and chat a while. He needed that.

“Hi, I’m Ryeowook. You are?”

“My name is Donghae.” ‘Ryeowook’ was the name on his nametag. Maybe he worked here.

“You’ve been sitting alone a really long time, you barely touched your drink.” Ryeowook frowned. Donghae sighed, mentally preparing himself for the next few minutes or-so to deal with a living advertisement, but instead, Ryeowook seemed to care. “Are you alright?”

“No,” Donghae admitted. “I’m dealing with a lot right now, Ryeowook.” Ryeowook gave him the look that one gives when about to say ‘you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,’ but Donghae did. Perhaps, he was really insane, but before any further thought could be done, Donghae asked Ryeowook if he wanted to be his friend. Ryeowook’s lips trembled, probably to conceal the words Donghae expected a second ago, he appeared to be shocked, but he kindly agreed. It was a weird reaction to Donghae, but maybe Ryeowook was also having a hard time. After all, nobody in the world was going to an angel tailoring their mind on how to take care of you. 

  
Ryeowook and Donghae ended up great friends, but Donghae found little to be memorable in their time together, except for the job opening. Donghae and Ryeowook began to work side by side in the cafe, creating their own inside jokes and gossiping among themselves like friends would normally do, but it all felt very temporary. It felt like something was missing. This missing aspect was not something he was not already aware of, but something he didn’t want to remember, something Ryeowook told him he should ‘move on’ from, but consider: he didn’t know how.

Ryeowook was a great friend, he helped him get him his current job and encouraged him to do what he wanted, but the unfamiliarity of it all gave him anxiety. Ryeowook’s words about moving on struck Donghae so hard that he didn’t think he was capable of doing such a thing. So, Donghae decided he would call Kyuhyun. He figured that his suspicions of him were false since he wasn’t very happy at the time, and that he’d known Kyuhyun forever.

“Hey, loser.” Kyuhyun greeted, unenthusiastically. He was such a cringeworthy, little brat, but to Donghae, it gave him character.

“We haven’t spoken in months and this is how you greet me?”

“I was enjoying it.” Kyuhyun sounded serious, and Donghae had to admit to himself that his feelings were hurt, but it was normal in their relationship. It was completely understandable at a time like now. Donghae believed this was the longest time they’d gone without talking. It was only that usually, Kyuhyun never seemed this upset by it.

Donghae spoke in a voice that would let Kyuhyun know he was ‘faking’ a frown behind the phone, trying to ask Kyuhyun what had made him upset, but Kyuhyun snapped before he could finish the sentence. Donghae absorbed his every word, and when he finished talking, he took a step back to draw each of them to a time where it was right in front of Donghae’s blind eyes that Kyuhyun no longer wanted to be his friend. The lump that had formed in Donghae’s throat combined with the fear that just came true, restricted him from asking a follow-up question and led him only to a stinging sensation in his nose and wet eyes.

“I just don’t need that kind of negativity in my life anymore.”

‘What negativity?’ Kyuhyun dealt with negativity every waking day of his life. Being known online, it would be unavoidable. Even being restricted by your parents and other family members without standing up for yourself is what you’d think would hurt him the most to finally say something to them, but instead, he takes it out on the person who was always there for him; the person doing his best to be a good friend. Donghae felt sick, he wanted to go to his home and stay there for a very long time, but it wasn’t an option. It was time to be a man and let the kid he grew up with alone. In this moment, he wondered how parents let go of the children they raised. He thought of his mom, his dad and older brother, and the ways they’d had to let him finally do something for himself. Maybe, they were proud… Donghae certainly did not feel proud. He felt betrayed, hurt, and even felt like the stupidest person on the planet. However, he was thankful for one thing. “Thank you for telling me.”

He hung up.

  
It all led back to Ryeowook’s lines about how letting go and moving on from these things that troubled us wouldn’t necessarily bring us a rocket to take us to our happiness and potential, but instead, take us a step in the right direction. The only dilemma now was that he still felt something was off in his friendship with him. Ryeowook wasn’t like Kyuhyun, he seemed like he had healthy ways of dealing with things, but he didn’t want to hide that he wasn't perfect, either. It reminded him of someone. Someone Kyuhyun must have seen as a ‘fixable’ version of Donghae. It reminded him of Sungmin. He had nearly dropped Sungmin from his memory, but there was a chance it was him who was missing. The talk with Kyuhyun made him feel worse than he felt at the time without Sungmin. He once wanted to be a person Sungmin could lean on, but instead he freaked out and pushed him away. He wished he had trusted him. He wanted to start over as Sungmin's friend. 

Being friends wasn’t easy for them at first. It was weird because they liked each other. Donghae didn’t even know why he liked him at first. Donghae especially didn’t understand now, seeing how they were in a relationship without trust. Maybe Sungmin trusted him, but Donghae heavily regretted not returning it. Maybe Sungmin had moved on himself, or maybe he was alone. Sungmin was a confusing guy, hard to read and difficult to solve, like he was a walking jigsaw puzzle, but Donghae wanted to complete the puzzle, solve the mystery, for it was what made him so intriguing in the first place. The random crying, the kissing, the avoidance, thinking of him in his spare time and the levels of crazy Donghae felt when he was with him all felt new and unique to him at that time, he never thought to realise that it was because Sungmin was either alone or just very lonely. The one thing he was definite about was that he _did_ like him back. Donghae had repressed so much before meeting Sungmin that it had become buried underneath other random knowledge, but he wanted Sungmin to know of it, and so he went through so much to uncover it. He most likely would not have done that if not for Sungmin and he extremely was grateful for it. It was freeing.

He wanted Sungmin to feel freed from whatever held him back, too. He wanted Sungmin to be okay. He wanted to start over with Sungmin as his best friend. He secretly hoped it was too late and Sungmin was okay already, but if not, he hoped he would be forgiven. Sungmin was his first and last best friend. He wanted to be there for him in his trying times. Just like how Ryeowook had done for him.

If Sungmin had left their relationship with nothing from Donghae, Donghae wanted nothing more than to at least leave him with something positive.


	10. — the meaning of forever —

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if nobody else is there for you, I'll be.

One would think, the day they looked forward to would be a kind, lovely day, but Donghae’s automatic assumption that a positive goal would include sturdy stepping stones, turned out to be very wrong. The rain was heavy today, Ryeowook was sick in his home and his co-workers were awfully hard to work with today…

On his drive back to his dormitory, a star-lit poster of Cho Kyuhyun seemed to light the night sky. He looked although he was shaming Donghae with his glowing smile, but Donghae failed to recall a time Kyuhyun ever frowned. Mockery or not, friends or foes, he deserved to be among the stars, as it was where he was born to be. Kyuhyun is a very talented individual, he would be destined for fame if it weren’t for the many restraints neatly tied around his ankles  — so neat, Kyuhyun didn’t bother to let them annoy him. It became a part of who he was so easily, it seemed. 

_ Where was Donghae born to be? _

It was like no matter what Kyuhyun went through, he was faultless, he lived normally and had fun — like he was perfect, somehow. Donghae knew it was unrealistic for a person to be ‘perfect’, however, in this moment, he questioned it. It brought him back to wondering if he had anything he would be destined to, he wondered if he had a purpose in life he could achieve without restraints… Then he remembered how much he would write poetry before and in the early days of his friendship with Sungmin. He remembered Sungmin cutely tried to take up the hobby for himself because Donghae told him it was how he released stress. He didn’t know when he had stopped writing poetry, but he could recall a point where he found it to be upsetting. Unsure of why he had that feeling then, Donghae raised a pencil and took out a lined paper. Suddenly, he was seated at his desk in his dorm room. He didn’t know when he got there, he didn’t recall even parking his car, but now he was seated and writing. Each time the pencil touched the paper it birthed a new line of passionately-written gibberish. When Donghae started to read it aloud to himself, he could barely hear the words he was saying but he recognized his tone. He knew the words were flowing, he knew the words were clicking on his emotions, the long-lost feeling of knowing the work was worthy of something was once again tickling his senses, but it was all too far off... One Donghae reading and the other still thinking ‘ _ what could I do with this? _ ’

A dream.

It was all a dream.

The dream left him with new material to think about, but it wasn’t very exciting to work with. Throughout his life up until now, Donghae’s vision of the future was never able to come into his full view. It was always abstract because Donghae’s biggest concern was chasing what he loved. His hobbies changed multiple times over multiple years, but they would never be gone as long as his love for writing poetry. What had happened to this passion had a very simple answer, it was only he hadn’t even realised or looked back since the events of the New Year. The way that he clinged onto Kyuhyun and then pushed him away had made Kyuhyun pull the final straw on their friendship. Donghae was so concerned with holding on to his last friend that he must’ve dropped it. He had never been so close or frequent with Kyuhyun before then, that must've also led him to do such a thing. The ghosting, even. The truth was, Donghae was the one to reach out first;  _ and Kyuhyun really was better without him _ .

A thought that used to haunt a young Donghae, was the most menacing of all, a question one asks themselves when situations such as this would frequent the years yet again — “What if I’m unlovable?”

This was the first time in a good number of years that something like this had happened to Donghae, a situation in which a friend leaves Donghae because he’s ‘negative’, but it did not mean he would blame being ‘unlovable’ again. The only person who had yet to say this to him was Sungmin, but now there was anxiety around the confrontation. What if when they finally spoke again, he  _ would  _ say it? Ryeowook was his friend now, but for  _ how long? _ The only people that Donghae knew he had in any time were his beloved family, but sometimes, all you need for certain conundrum is a friend, a trusted peer, who wouldn’t dream of going behind you. Gaggles of friends surrounded Donghae every day, and in almost every movie and TV show he’d ever seen, there were displays of friendship Donghae would only dream of having. A young Donghae dreamed that in his adult life, people would let go of whatever was repelling them from him, but they didn’t. Donghae went through his teenage years paranoid that he was being too weird or that he smelled bad, and even if girls still liked him, after being with Sungmin, when he looks back now, it feels like they never really did. It made him imagine Sungmin is the weird one for seeming to show genuine interest in a guy like him, but he knew the ‘weird one’ would always be him, for it was all he had ever known.

However, in the end, Donghae could just be blind again. Blind like he was with Kyuhyun and so many others. Unable to see that nobody wants his ‘negativity’ in their lives. As much as Donghae would try to change, he couldn’t. Maybe he would never be ready for a friend until he could, but the problem always seemed to be him, his existence in itself. People in his church say everyone is worthy of love, but there were many days he felt it to be unattainable. With Sungmin, those days became meaningless nothings, and that kind of friend was the one he needed. Even if the thought was inherently selfish, Donghae believed Sungmin was not the kind of person he should let go, especially rudely.

For that, he hated himself every day.

But what if Sungmin had a chance at being different? The tough guy who would put up with whatever was wrong with him? Donghae could dream. Dream, he did.

  
  


The rain outside was growing heavier. You could hear the wind roar its ancient and new knowledge at an unknown source. How Donghae wanted to know what the wind knew. It carried more information about himself than he could ever hope to have. It carried the whispers and the screams of people all over the world who are and have been struggling with one thing or another. Donghae truly believed that if he were able to speak to the wind, all his questions would have answers, problems have solutions and anxieties could be healed with the comfort of a stranger’s story. But that was just him, nobody else thought like that, surely.

Donghae decided that tonight he would contribute to the un-ending knowledge of the wind by sharing his struggles in speaking to Sungmin. He didn’t imagine this situation would be uncommon, but every person is different. Maybe one day, the wind would whisper this story into the ears of a struggling person and tell them what to do or what not to do. Even if nobody else would ever think the way that he did, he still believed the wind carried something for everyone.

On his way to Sungmin’s dorm, he walked at a fast pace, calling ahead of time to make sure he was awake and receiving a quick and unexpected answer. “Hi.” Donghae stopped in his tracks, his heart was pounding against his chest and cold sweat was beginning to tease his forehead. He could barely even take notice into Sungmin’s tone, he was so overwhelmed with shock that it even took him a few extra seconds to utter a response.

“Ca-can we talk?” Donghae managed, shyly.

“Not inside… Car?” Sungmin sounded sleepy, but Donghae wouldn’t know if it was because he hadn’t been sleeping or he had woken him up. Either way, he did feel bad, but Sungmin was down to talk, so it could be shaken off.

The two agreed to meet in Donghae’s car. As Donghae paced back to his room to grab his keys and an umbrella, he flashed his phone screen to check the time… Nearly one in the morning… He began to have second thoughts, thinking that Sungmin might say something he doesn’t mean, but this was probably his only chance; he had no choice but to go through.

The umbrella was fortunately strong against the wind, but the rain was dancing all over the place, decorating Donghae’s pants, shirt and even his cheeks to their fancy. He wished he’d worn his jacket, but he could always shower later…

When Sungmin arrived, he ran right to the car as if trying to avoid the rain. Donghae knew that at a time like now, it might be inappropriate to find this ‘cute’, but he couldn’t help it, he smiled to himself before Sungmin opened the door.

The setting in itself felt illegal, Sungmin trying to catch his breath after running all the way to Donghae felt cruel, but what mattered was that they were together. They were ready to say and accept apologies, like grown ups do. “Sungmin,” Donghae said, staring at the steering wheel. “My apologies are long overdue, I really want to make it up to you.” Donghae felt unbelievably stupid, but he carried on. “I’m sorry for all the pain I might have caused you, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship, but I’d love to be your friend…” He could feel Sungmin’s wide eyes on him, he could picture their shade based on the reflection of the light in the car, but couldn’t picture the emotion they were holding in this moment. Tears began to flood Donghae’s eyes until he could no longer stay still and staring, but instead brought his head to the wheel for a full-on sob.

Sungmin watched him as he wondered how to say sorry for himself. He knew what he did all that time ago was fucked up, now he was watching the repercussions of his selfishness with a great pain. Donghae was a sweetheart, Sungmin felt as if he were the scum of the Earth. Finally, he put his hand on Donghae’s back to comfort him, rubbing it up and down as his breathing changed. Donghae still had his head on the wheel, but he turned it over to look at Sungmin. Sungmin knew the look in his eyes from himself. He knew there was something Donghae had wanted to hear, but not for any egoistical reason, Donghae wanted the genuine words of a friend, he just couldn’t figure out which ones. When Donghae turned his head back to face the wheel, Sungmin quickly admitted he was sorry too. He could tell by Donghae’s semi-hidden expression, that these words were far from what he expected, but he continued on to confess,

“I was selfish and miserable, I regret ever doing this to you, Donghae.” Sungmin’s voice broke on Donghae’s name, but he carried on. “This pains me as much as it pains you, I deserved…” Sungmin began to struggle, but it was to be made okay by Donghae asking him to be his friend.

“Please be my friend. Please be my friend for a long time. Please forgive me...” He wept.

“I forgive you.” Sungmin could tell how much this meant to Donghae, but it also meant a lot to him. 

_ Donghae was the first friend who came back... _

_ Sungmin was the first friend who came back… _

_ Donghae could picture being Sungmin’s friend until they were old… _

_ Sungmin could picture being Donghae’s friend until they were old… _

The meaning of forever...


	11. We'll change it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> platonic love is very real. self-love, too. I've learned so much from you. I'll cherish this forever.

Donghae and Sungmin might have considered themselves as failures in the beginning, but now they’ve come to accept that they’re only doing what makes them happy.

Over time, their languages of performance and poetry combined to create music. They didn’t think they were going anywhere huge with it, but it was what they liked to do. It made Donghae happy to explore what he could do with his talents and it made Sungmin just as happy to embrace who he really was with someone who cared. 

Today was the day the duo were offered to sign under a record label. The offer would be immediately accepted by anyone else, but for a certain someone, the thought was incomprehensible. Sungmin thought they should just go for it, as it was really exciting to him, but for Donghae, it was harder to process. He felt like he’d been stealing from some more deserving people. He didn’t know how to tell Sungmin of this pain, afraid he would hurt him. Donghae feared he wasn’t up to the standard Sungmin was in terms of playing or singing, or that he wasn’t up to the standard of writing that industry writers were on, but if he let his fear grow, the more it might impel him to reject the offer.

Besides.

The silence was hurting Sungmin more than it hurt Donghae.

“Donghae, whatever is bothering you, I’ll have you every step of the way.”

As the words were processing to Donghae, he wanted to tell Sungmin ‘no,’, but when they processed, he realised Sungmin was right.

Sometimes, it was hard to believe that Sungmin still wanted to be Donghae’s friend. Donghae would have nights where he would cry about how thankful he was for Sungmin. He never imagined it would be the same way for Sungmin, but tears shed or not, it was clear Sungmin wanted to be his friend. Even if Sungmin would be his friend forever or not, he’d always cherish how much Sungmin has done for him, even if he never knew of it.

The meaning of forever isn’t always romantic. In adult life, it’s very romanticized, but sometimes ‘forever’ can be with a friend. A friend like Sungmin was Donghae’s forever. After agreeing to this deal, he wouldn’t know the person he would become tomorrow, but he would still have the positive impact that came with meeting Sungmin.

Always.

Forever.

Thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
